your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
