Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
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