Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
