I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
