i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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