omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
