you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
