i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
