It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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