Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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