So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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