i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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