Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
