At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
