I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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