if i can run in heels then i can drive
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
