she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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