I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
