My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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