I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
