worst night to have a conscience
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
