He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
