just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
