I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
