I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
