Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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