i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize