Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
