No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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