woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
