two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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