i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
