I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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