everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
