So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
