Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
