So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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