Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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