One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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