Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
