I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
it's great music for shaving your balls
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You were trust falling into bushes
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
