I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
