Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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