This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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