Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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