omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
