You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
