I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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