just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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