You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
