Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize