If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
