Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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