your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
