Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
