There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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