Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
